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REPORT: RETARDED PEOPLE ARE NOT SPECIAL
Colorado Springs, CO — by: Bruiser LaRue (Our Man In The Street)
Colorado Springs, CO - According to the recent findings of Colorado Springs Gallery (The Gallery), retarded people are not special at all. Really slow people, or "retards" as they are sometimes called, are neither special, unique, nor do they possess any singular gifts or talents. In effect, they are just a random cell combination similar to billions of other random cell combinations that serve no other purpose than to suck air and collaborate in the collective food chain with other retarded people.
The full report, commissioned by Russell Park, will be released early next week, and researchers are expecting the findings to cause controversy, especially those which compare the average "retard" to that of simple pond bacteria. "There's absolutely nothing in the world wrong with being totally un-special and unimportant in the grand scheme of things," lead researcher Charles Umbert said. "Just like God has no special plan for sea plankton, he also has no special plan for little Timmy or little Sally or any of your doltish offspring that happens to end up a "retard" -- no matter how much you want to think otherwise.
"Not only does the report give ample proof of the total unimportance and general ineffectiveness of retarded people, but it incorporates why they are mostly un-likable, why you will continue to fail at most tasks and why it wouldn't matter if they were never born at all.
"We did extensive analysis of theories popularized by [ television host] Oprah Winfrey as well as Phil Donahue, " Umbert said. "What we found is that these egocentric, con artists are falsely and indiscriminately telling retarded people they are valuable, constructive and special members of society with important roles to play no matter how unintelligent, uneducated or unattractive they are. Additionally, it's believed they say these things just to get others to like them.
There is no Santa Claus, no Tooth Fairy and if retarded people die tomorrow, it doesn't really matter—except there would be more air and food for the rest of us. "Furthermore, the report states that low functioning children and unattractive adults in particular are only unique in that they are easily duped into thinking that they can overcome such disabilities and that they have other, more important qualities, which, in the long run, will overshadow their obvious shortcomings. "I'm sorry it just doesn't really matter. retarded people will fail," Umbert said. "And if retarded people want to find out just exactly how and why, they can log onto www.ColoradoSpringsGallery.Com and order the full report. All four volumes will be made available to the public for the unheard of price of just $129.00 or $200 for you super-unimportant Canadians."
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