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Supreme Court Overturns Magna Carta
by: Bruiser LaRue (Our Man In The Street)
WASHINGTON, DC—In a bold and unexpected move, the Republican-dominated U.S. Supreme Court voted Thursday to overturn the Magna Carta, finally paving the way for George W. Bush to be crowned King and Ruler of the United States later this summer.
Though the 6-3 decision marks a resounding defeat of constitutional democracy, conservative members of the Court were quick to point out the many benefits of getting rid of such an old, outdated document.
"I just wish everyone would calm down. It's not nearly as bad as it sounds," Justice Clarence Thomas said. "You'll like it better then that old system, I promise."
The Magna Carta, a 786-year-old document consisting of a preamble and 63 clauses, was the cornerstone of democratic development in England and informed both the spirit and language of the U.S. Constitution.
"Now it's toilet paper," laughed Justice Scalia. "And there's nothing you liberal mamby- pambies can do about it!"
Antonin Scalia, who wrote the majority decision, ordered the Constitution and Bill of Rights be immediately redrawn according to the "Articles of the Barons," which predates the Magna Carta and more closely mimics the feudal hierarchy of 13th century England.
Scalia wrote,"the creation of democracy and protection of liberties for the common man was not the Founding Barons' intent and thus the weaker Magna Carta cannot stand as a barrier to the rights and prerogatives of the Barons and our soon-to-be-King George."
In an angry dissent, Justice Ruth Bader-Ginsburg included travel literature for neighboring Canada, where she plans to move by the end of the summer. Chief Justice Rehnquist decreed that a coronation ceremony for President Bush would be held on July 4th. "It is imperative," said Rehnquist, "that we seize the symbol of Independence Day and return it over to the monarchy and nobles, where it rightfully belongs."
A few clauses of the Magna Carta will be left intact, including numbers 1, 27 and 63, which assert the power and freedom of "The Church" to the exclusion of all minority religions, and establish the legality of President Bush’s ability to "do crazy shit" without much legal recourse.
The beheadings will commence Tuesday in front of the Capital Building
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